Life in the Ville by Jimmy Del Ponte

As another Thanksgiving is upon us, I asked my friends for help. I reached out to my fellow Thanksgiving lovers in The Ville to give me four starter words that could throw a damper on your holiday dinner.

Any of these utterances, or “conversation starters,” could prove to throw a monkey wrench into Turkey day especially with a houseful of friends and family. It started with this…

One Thanksgiving, someone hit the “clean oven” button while the turkey was cooking, and it locked the oven and cleaned it! So the first one is, “who pressed clean oven?” Okay, here they come! Four little words that just might lead to trouble on Thanksgiving:

We’re out of booze. Uncle Ned is here! The cable is out. The stuffing is dry. You’re at kids table. The Chestnuts are exploding! Put your shoes on! It’s virgin eggnog? Hope you like Tofurkey! What, no pumpkin pie? Turkey is still frozen! The Turducken is ready! Hope you like Vegan! No damn Cool Whip?

You invited my ex? The in-laws are here! Who broke the bong? Hey, that’s wax fruit! Where’s the fire extinguisher? Uncle Ned is drinking! You hate The Patriots? Granny’s into the sherry! My ferret is loose! Whose car’s on fire? That’s salt not flour! Something bit my leg! It’s ketchup or blood! Who Invited that jerk?

Whose teeth are these? He carved his finger! Anyone seen my kid? I forgot my wife! Still in the bathroom? Forgot to remove giblets! What is that smell? Forgot to get Grandpa. That kid’s a brat! Someone light a match!

We’re out of Charmin? Dog ate the turkey! You’re a Yankees fan? I forgot my Tupperware! The gravy is lumpy! Uncle Ned is swearing! Forgot to take meds! Hey, nice ankle bracelet! You brought your gun? Where is the plunger? So how was prison? That’s a bad rash! That’s quite a cough! Someone call Roto-Rooter! You voted for who? Uncle Ned is snoring! Someone needs Odor Eaters! It’s hotel, motel time! Party’s over go home! Driving Uncle Ned home!

Here are four more words to take to heart: Happy Thanksgiving to all!