Life in the Ville by Jimmy Del Ponte

Recently, I had to go into Cambridge Health Alliances’ emergency room when a close friend was rushed there. Thankfully, they were okay, but then my mind started to go back to my early youth.

I have quite a few remembrances from when it was still Somerville Hospital. As a matter of fact, I was at that hospital a lot. Too many times. Many times as a patient, but more times in the ER with a family member or close friend. There were several with tragic results.

I always hated school, especially the 8 years in parochial school with nuns. Some were real nice, most were real scary and school was run with the utmost sternness. Sister school in the 60’s was serious business. We managed to come out of it with some fun memories but for the most part, I dreaded almost every day. So I had to devise an escape plan.

I came up with an idea to get myself out of school for a day or two. It seemed simple. I was about 9 years old in 1962 and tried to hatch a cockamamie plan to bang out sick. I would complain to my parents that I had a stomach ache. I figured they would just let me stay home, give me some Brioschi or Pepto and worst case scenario, see our family pediatrician, Dr. Goldenberg. I thought about how great it would be skipping school for even just one glorious day. Perhaps I’d watch something on one of the 3 channels on our huge mahogany black and white TV! Maybe I’d have ice cream while enjoying The 3 Stooges, or Yogi Bear cartoons.

My dad worked 3-11 so he and my mom were both home the morning I started my academy award performance. It was about 7:00 a.m. when my fake stomach ache routine began. “Ow! Mom! My stomach hurts!” My mother was not exactly a full blown hypochondriac, but let’s say she was very protective and took no chances with the health of her family. We saw our family Pediatrician a lot. He made house calls too, a lot. He even had a favorite chair in our living room.

Fast forward to the next day and I’m at Somerville Hospital being examined by a surgeon! Are you kidding? A doctor in a hospital is now trying to find the source of my fake stomach ache. I was getting very nervous. It wasn’t going as planned. Next thing you know, I’m getting my appendix out! My pretend stomach ache turned into in-patient surgery.

I remembered getting my tonsils out years earlier and it was no picnic. My little brother and I went through our tonsillectomies together and It was a very frightening memory for me. Now I was back in the hospital and terrified. I remember promising God that I’d never lie again, but out the appendix came. I got presents, and visitors, and Ice cream and more than the one or two days off from school I’d planned. It was very painful caring for those stitches and recovering slowly. I couldn’t believe that a made up fake pain took such a serious detour.

Boy, did that show me. A kick in the pants lesson in what lying can get you into. The doctor yanked my appendix out even though I made up the ache. Did the surgeon also pull a fake out? Did he remove my appendix for the money, or because he didn’t want to look stupid for not finding the real source of my “pain?” Was my appendix in fact in need of removal? I doubt it.

Two years later I tried to fake another ailment to get out of school. I never dreamed my luck could stink twice. So I complained about a pain in my leg. I even developed a fake limp. I ended up back at Somerville Hospital, same surgeon, and you guessed it. Doctor “Invento” found a “Bakers Cyst” behind my right knee. There was no pain, I made it up again, but eight stitches later, another hospital stay, crutches, and one more uneven scar, and I have part two of my fake pain story. The boy who cried wolf twice. The boy who never learned. The boy who hated school. There is still part of a stitch visible on my leg scar.

One of my dad’s favorite things to say to me was, “Some day that mouth of yours is going to get you in trouble!” And it has, believe you me. My big mouth, and dumb schemes gone wrong problems started at an early age. My big mouth still gets me in trouble today and I still love a good scheme.

For a while, Somerville Hospital also had a detox unit and hosted Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. There’s also a liquor store directly across the street. You can’t make this stuff up.