On the Silly Side by Jimmy Del Ponte

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A very good friend of mine told me a story that had me holding my stomach from laughing. His dad, also a good friend of mine, used to take his son and his friends fishing. Now his son takes his dad shopping. Instead of me telling the story, I will let my pal tell it in his own words. Here goes:

I usually go shopping once a week for my father. When I got home  from a friends birthday party Wednesday night, around 9:15, I called and asked him if he had his list ready so I could go shop for him. He asked if he could come along. I told him I could not fit his motorized wheel chair in my rented car but he could use one of those scooters they have at the local supermarket.

Once we arrived at the market around 9:30 p.m., it took me about 15 minutes to explain how to use the shopping cart scooter. I said I would follow him with a regular cart and get whatever he wanted. He said “I have one of these at home; I know what I’m doing!”

We entered the store and our own version of convoy/demolition derby began. He entered through the out door and knocked over a small display of spices, and kept going. Never acknowledging that this contraption actually has brakes, he speeds down the first aisle. He never once looked straight ahead. He looked side to side until he found what he was looking for. He sees the ad for 10 Pepsi 2 liter products for 10 bucks. He yells out, “I want three Pepsi’s, two Sprites, three ginger ales, and two lemonades.” I tried explaining to him that Sprite is not a Pepsi product and therefore does not qualify for the sale. I spent the next 10 minutes trying to explain that Sierra Mist is the same thing, and that if he wants the Sprite I will pay the extra 20 cents. I should have just shut up and put the Sprite in the cart in the first place.

Now, he starts heading down the various aisles. Not paying attention for one minute where he is going, he smashes into someone’s cart and yells at them to “get the hell out of the way.” The stock boy had all his boxes lined up ready to refill the shelves. He sees my dad coming down the aisle. I look at him, he looks at me. I shake my head, and he puts his hands up and walks away. My father went down that aisle like a bowling ball. I swear, if knocking down items in the grocery store was an Olympic sport, he would win a gold medal.

We then make it to the canned goods aisle and he proceeds to read every single can on every shelf. The manager of the store comes over the PA system and say’s “attention shoppers, the store will be closing at 11 p.m.” I tell him we better hurry up, and he tells me that the store doesn’t actually close at 11. It just means you have to stop shopping at 11. We debate this for a few minutes as he knocks down the end display of cashew nuts and then runs over the scattered bags on the floor. I said “Dad, will you please pay attention to where you are going?” He replies “I AM! I cant help it if they keep putting things in my way.” He crashed into everything in his path that night. When we finished shopping, He rode the scooter back to the charging station. He pulled it up, backed it into the smallest parking spot in the scooter area in one try without hitting anything. The stock boy and carriage attendant both looked at me, shook their heads and laughed. I threw my hands up and chuckled as I walked my father to the car.

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Project STAR presents the musical revue, “Save Our Songs”, Thursday, August 12 at 7 p.m. at The West Somerville Neighborhood School, 177 Powder House Blvd.  Admission is free!