On The Silly Side By Jimmy Del Ponte

(The opinions and views expressed in the commentaries of The Somerville News belong solely to the authors of those commentaries and do not reflect the views or opinions of The Somerville News, its staff or publishers.)

Do you know who Snooki and Pauly D are? How about some dude known  simply as The Situation? They are the supposedly real life characters on the MTV smash hit, Jersey Shore.

Of course, Happy Days’ Arthur Fonzarelli was the first one to come up with a nickname beginning with “the.”  Give me The Fonz over The Situation any day. The Fonz never removed his leather jacket and flaunted his abs. They never had to bleep The Fonz out.

These so called real life shows seem as fake as the dumb names they call each other. How many Real Housewife shows are out there? Too many.

They should do a show called The Cranky Old Guys of Somerville, or just, The Mystic Shore. I would watch that show. I could be one of the characters. Yeah, a show about me and my day to day goings on.

The action would take place in my cluttered house. But first I would have to have a nickname, like The Situation. I need a name that captures who I am. How about, The Recliner? That suits me to a T.

The show would be about a grumpy guy in his late 50s who is raising two teenage sons. It shows the lead character, The Recliner, (me) tripping over sneakers that have been left in the middle of the living room floor. Cut to a shot of the truck pulling into the driveway after a trip to that Sonic burger joint in Peabody, where the boys have just been treated to  burgers.

The Recliner mentions that the dog has to be taken out and a huge argument starts between the two sons over whose turn it is. I end up walking the dog. Sloppy J and D-Lazy, spend the next three minutes fighting over who gets the computer first. There are two computers, but one has a larger screen and that’s the one they both want. Meanwhile, The Recliner’s ex-wife, Ali-Mommy, calls to remind him that the orthodontist bill is due. Like The Situation, The Recliner has a very fit physique, if you compare it to that of his buddy, Chunk Master Grey.

Some of the dramatic scenes involve the monthly paying of the bills, finding a matching pair of dress socks, and making sure we don’t run out of Kraft Mac and Cheese. On one episode we find The Recliner in a life threatening predicament. One of the kids erased all his recordings of The Three Stooges to make room for eight episodes of Ghost Hunters. “Sloppy J” has lost his I-Pod and his phone charger…again.

D-Lazy is up until 3:30 a.m. texting his friends, and killing zombies on the computer. The Recliner comes home for lunch at 12:30 and both boys are still in bed. The Recliner has to get up for work so he goes to bed at 9:30 with a clean  empty kitchen sink. When he gets up, there are dirty plates piled all over the kitchen, and half full cups on the coffee table. The boys make fun of The Recliner because he never gets anything right. He still calls Tedeschi’s and Rite-Aid in Davis Square, The Quick Shop and Oscos.

The Recliner still gets together with the old gang of friends now and then. He bumps into one his pals  in the waiting room of the Mount Auburn Hospital where they both were awaiting colonoscopies. He meets another one of his friends while picking up cholesterol and high blood pressure medicine at CVS.

Some daily chores are keeping the shower drain clear of hair, changing light bulbs and buying dog food.

The cast of the Jersey Shore party at various nightclubs complete with flashing lights and dancing. The Recliner and his friends drive golf carts around at the campsite they all enjoy on the weekends. Some play very exerting games of horseshoes and bingo.

Most of the action on The Mystic Shore is happy. Real Somerville people are grateful for the simple things. The only real drama that occurs is when The Recliner nods out in his chair. The few seconds when he awakes, trying to figure out what day it is, what time it is, and what he was supposed to be doing, can be very traumatic.

It also just so happens that Henry Winkler who played The Fonz, is my true life Emerson College fraternity brother. “Hey!”