By William C. Shelton 

(The opinions and views expressed in the commentaries of The Somerville Times belong solely to the authors of those commentaries and do not reflect the views or opinions of The Somerville Times, its staff or publishers)

Any man in Davis or Union Squares on a Friday night who is drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon, discussing obscure bands and movies, and wearing Converse All-Stars, a plaid shirt, tight jeans, heavy-rimmed glasses and facial hair will declare that he is not a hipster.

The crossbar on a bicycle should just come to your crotch, standing flat-footed with your shoes off.

Spring moves north about 13 miles per day.

When trying to get somewhere in Somerville without directions, take a turn at every major intersection. On Cape Cod, go straight and look for signs.

If a knife’s edge reflects light, take it to Siraco’s van in Union Square on the last Farmer’s Market of the month.

You will recognize the obvious much sooner than the experts.

The intensity of a cheese’s flavor is inversely proportional to the thickness of its slices.

When you are conversing with people who don’t speak English, assume that they understand about half as much as they look like they understand.

A developer who buys a residential lot or property in Somerville will obtain permission form the Zoning Board of Appeals to build more units that the Zoning Code allows.

Those units will cost more than the homes that surround them.

Don’t enter a poker game unless you have fifty times the betting limit in your pocket.

The diameter of a tree trunk in inches is the radius of the root system in feet.

New arrivals to Somerville remain politically inert for seven years unless they have children who are in public schools.

In half the cases, an employee calling in sick is actually sick.

We tend to do to others what has been done to us.

To estimate the number of calories that you consume each day, multiply your weight by 15. To gain or lose weight, increase or decrease this number by 20%.

A used tool in good condition should cost no more than half the price of a new one.

The number of seconds between lightning and thunder, divided by five, is the number of miles you are away from it.

Any time a mechanic begins by telling you how lucky you are that you brought your car in when you did, plan on spending at least $500.

If for some reason you need to wear a tuxedo more than once every year, it is cheaper to buy than to rent.

Somerville government costs $132,000 per year for every taxable acre of land.

A 3/4 front view makes the best photo for selling a car.

A ball hit to left field by a left-handed hitter will slice toward the left-field line, and vice versa.

The third restaurant that goes into a space is usually the one that succeeds.

During a job interview, don’t spend more than 60 seconds answering any one question.

To blow a tree stump out of the ground, use one stick of dynamite for every four inches in stump diameter.

When writing an ad, keep each sentence to twelve words or less. A billboard should have not more than seven words and two things to look at.

Someone speaking in passive voice is probably concealing something. Doubt anyone who seems to be speaking with strong emotion, but whose shoulders are relaxed.

On government multiple-choice exams, the longest answer is usually the correct one.

The most offensive people are also usually the most easily offended.

When the temperature at sunset is 50 degrees or less, there will probably be a frost.

A garment is probably well made if stripes and plaids are matched at the seams.

If something that is not human bites you, it is probably female.

If you can’t see a car’s rear tires at a stoplight, or if you can read its odometer, you’re too close.

You can always find one good reason to do anything. Find at least two.

The speed that allows the most cars to use a road at once is 22 mph.

Ten people will raise the temperature of a medium sized room 1 degree per hour.

The average car loses half its market value every four years.

If fewer than 8 of the 11 aldermen vote for a measure, it means that the mayor doesn’t care if it passes.