By George P. Hassett

There are rules to insulting. And Somerville author A.C. Kemp has written the manual.

In her new book, “The Perfect Insult For Every Occasion” Kemp takes on the persona of her literary alter ego, Lady Arabella Snark, and outlines the best way to “crush annoying persons” with sophisticated and wounding retorts.

Snark, whose status as a fictional character did not prevent Kemp from developing an extensive back story for her (although her relationship with Dr. Timothy Leary did not make it into this book),is a wordy widow who takes pride in her ability to verbally eviscerate foes with obscure words such as dipsomaniacal, crapulent and carbuncle.

In “The Perfect Insult” Snark gives the hoi polloi advice on dealing with various aggravating people, such as obnoxious family members at holiday gatherings, gangster rappers who take your parking space, and rude cell phone users.

Through quizzes and in answering letters asking for help, Snark maintains the most important rule to insulting is to remember the audience.

‚ÄúUse the insult that is most wounding to the particular target,‚Äù she said.      

For example in a chapter on how to deal with gangster rappers who steal your parking space, Snark suggests addressing offenders in their preferred parlance. Instead of saying, ‚ÄúI find your taste in automobiles shocking, my friend! Your jalopy is of such questionable provenance that I am inclined to think the police pawned some impounded wreck off on you as payment for informing on your former associates in illicit trade,‚Äù Snark suggests declaring: ‚ÄúShit, homey-you get that bucket from the popo for droppin’ a dime?‚Äù

And if you have been a slighted by a more powerful adversary who may be able to fire you from your job, Snark suggests using obscure terms such as lamia, somnolent, peccable or omphaloskepsis to insult in a way that may not be noticed by the victim but is just as satisfying.   

Unlike most etiquette experts, Lady Snark advises against entertaining, noting that it gains you nothing but an empty liquor cabinet.

“Guests do not come to your home because they like you. They come because they are hoping that if they drain enough tiki glasses filled with Mai Tais, going home with their own spouse will seem marginally less objectionable than driving their car into a tree,” she explains, adding snidely, “Due to the alcoholic content of Mai Tais, these two events sometimes overlap.”

Married seven times (five legally) Lady Snark gives readers a somewhat cynical take on romance. “In affairs of the heart, youth and beauty are ephemeral, charm often false, and promises of undying love easily overridden by the sudden appearance of someone half your age with twice your cleavage,” she tells readers, recommending they base their relationships on more stable factors, such as bank statements.

She said a second book in the Snark voice is possible. The book would cover Lady Snark’s advice for how to behave rudely at weddings.

“There is so much material for impoliteness at weddings,” she said.

As for rudeness in her hometown of Somerville, Kemp said, ‚ÄúI think people in Somerville are pretty polite. Then again, I don’t drive.‚Äù

Kemp will be reading from her book, in full Snark character, at the Harvard Coop on March 27.