Part 2:  What I think it is
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By William C. Shelton

(The opinions and views expressed in the commentaries of The Somerville News belong solely to the authors of those commentaries and do not reflect the views or opinions of The Somerville News, its staff or publishers.)

Presuming to define love is an act of hubris. So please understand that I am writing about what love means to me.

I should explain that I’m not talking about the completely selfless love ancient Greeks called “agape” and Christians call “grace.” That is a love that is inspired by the beloved’s mere existence, and it endures no matter how pleasing or disgusting, kind or cruel, loving or hateful the beloved’s behavior may be.

Instead, I’m talking about love that emerges from clearly seeing the beloved and being moved by what you see. It is impossible to love people in this way without knowing who and what they are. You can’t love what you don’t know. But genuinely knowing the loved one inspires delight and a desire to know more.

This is not romance, which we imagine just happens to us. It is an act of will. It isn’t so much a state of being as a process of becoming, requiring skills that we develop and improve only through practice.

With growing knowledge and delight comes a desire to enable our beloved to become fully him- or herself, to overcome what constrains them, to realize their full potential. Real love expresses itself through a commitment to learn and do what is necessary to make this happen. It has the power to transform both the lover and the beloved.

It is not a feeling. But it produces the richest feelings that humans experience. It is not a means to an end. It is the end itself, and it need never end.

When we live with this kind of love, so much becomes possible. Without it, nothing is enough. Its presence supports good physical and mental health, and its absence undermines them.

Psychologists and sociologists have conducted numerous studies of relationships. Partners who have sustained fulfilling unions over many years cite romance as one of the least essential elements in making their relationships work. Factors like communication, affection, compassion, honesty, acceptance, dependability, and a sense of humor dominate romance in their responses.

With loving comes vulnerability to disappointment and hurt. And inevitably, we hurt each other.

Being hurt when we are vulnerable activates a complex network of feelings, painful memories, a sense of betrayal, and old behavior patterns. These obscure accurate perception of the moment and of each other. They undermine our capacity to respond in the most effective way. At such times we can momentarily forget all the love and caring that we have shared.

When we feel anger, it is useful before reacting to consider all the things that we love about the other. It may not make us less angry, but it can make us more effective in expressing it.

Acceptance doesn’t mean tolerating a pattern of hurtful behavior. But effective criticism involves expressing how such behavior hurts us. It means confronting what is, with what realistically could be. It involves making an effort to understand what lies behind the other’s behavior.

Such understanding does not come easily, and especially when we are hurt. It requires honesty, listening to each other, and looking at the shared conflict through each other’s eyes. If we do this, we can recognize that the other’s experience is as authentic as our own. We can craft solutions that honor each other’s experience of the situation.

We come to understand that deep trust does not come from what we have in common. It comes from reconciling our differences. This is where acceptance can come in. If we can’t craft effective solutions, sometimes we must just accept the other’s annoying behaviors, recognizing that they are not motivated by malice or indifference.

Each of us has disagreeable behaviors. But when we clearly see what the other is struggling with and how they’re doing the best they know how, it’s difficult not to love them.

It’s also important to accept that we don’t love each other with the same constant intensity. That’s an ideal that can be striven for but never achieved.

Intensity flows, ebbs, and flows again. Idealizing love ensures that it will never live up to our expectations. We should expect what is reasonable, not what is perfect.

All that I have said thus far need not apply to loving only one person. We can apply what we learn in a loving relationship to others.

We can love our country, seeing past symbols like its flag and politicians to the underlying reality of its people and land. We can care about a group that has experienced common distress and faces common challenges.

We can even love our city. But doing so requires delving beyond public relations happy talk, understanding its underlying reality, and embracing its potential.

So that’s what I think about love. If it sounds self-righteous, I apologize. I’m no expert in such matters. In fact, I’m just a beginner.