On The Silly Side by Jimmy Del Ponte

(The opinions and views expressed in the commentaries of The Somerville News belong solely to the authors of those commentaries and do not reflect the views or opinions of The Somerville News, its staff or publishers.)

(I do not condone or approve any of the craziness and poor judgment described in this column)

Did you see the opening ceremonies for the Beijing Olympics? Man, talk about going all out. My son and I were watching the swimming competition Saturday night and I got to thinking about just how “non-athletic” I am. Although I have been pretty faithful at the gym lately, I never really excelled in a sport.

I did try a few times to get involved though – I joined the Emerson College wrestling team, but I could only put up with the sadistic workouts for two weeks. About ten years ago, I signed up for a martial arts program that lasted three weeks. Watching these dedicated and finely tuned athletes on TV made me feel quite wimpy. There’s swimming, diving, cycling, boxing, gymnastics, wrestling, tennis and beach volleyball just to name a few.

Growing up in Somerville, I sort of picked music as my sport Рwhile some of my friends chose Pop Warner, I chose pop music. There were, however, some “sports- related” activities that I became pretty good at while growing up in the Davis Square/Powder House Park area.

If they gave a medal for “corner hanging” I would have been a good contender for the endurance record РI remember some days when I arrived at the corner of Bay State and Kidder at 10 am, stayed there until 5 pm, left for supper and returned until at least midnight. Good thing Teddy and Mike lived close by to provide lavatory facilities.

There is Fencing in the Olympics, but I could lean up against a fence for hours…I’ll add that I was a very adept fence-hopper, especially when given the incentive of being chased.

They have weight lifting in the Olympics‚Ķwell; I lifted many a mug of beer while causing various girlfriends to wait for me someplace. The closest I ever got to Judo was watching Hong Kong Phooey cartoons on TV and eating pork chops. There were also quite a few ‚Äúmarathons‚Äù at Barnaby’s and the Embassy Lounge where I opened and closed the joints. I have a new personal record that I am currently proud of – and that is over a decade of total abstinence from lagers, pilsners and aperitifs of any kind. I am constantly rewarded by enjoying a fully functional and healthy liver.

There is a category in the Olympics called ‚Äúartistic gymnastics‚Äù – I recall one year over 30 years ago when I was quite artistic…I had an old clunker of a car that wouldn’t pass inspection, so I looked at my Dad’s sticker and drew one using watercolor paint and magic markers. I glued it to my windshield and it actually got me by. I’m not proud of that now, but I was back then.

Olympic cycling is a grueling sport. One day a couple of pals and I decided to ride our bikes to the Prudential Center. I was not allowed off the street on my bike, so I was scared stiff of getting bagged by my father. During the entire trip I was a nervous wreck any time a car horn tooted. We started at the Western Junior High School on Holland Street because we could see the Prudential building – we just kept heading toward it, and finally reached our destination. To this day it is one of my personal accomplishments that I am very proud of (Dad never found out).

We didn’t have archery but we did have ‚ÄúArchie‚Äù – we once rode a flaming skateboard down the Liberty Ave side of Powder House Park. I’ll never forget seeing him smoking his way down the hill holding the empty can of lighter fluid.

Sailing is an Olympic sport, but we had Sliding. Sliding was created by my friend Norman – it happened only once when he brought out a few huge BJ’s sized bags of potato chips. We dumped them out on the pavement over the hilly top of Bay State Ave in front of the Parilla’s house. We proceeded to run and slide on the greasy mess of crushed chips. It was one of the highlights of my childhood and a great sport, but alas, no medal.

Concert Crashing was something we became pretty talented at, except one time that stands out. I think J Geils was doing a concert up at Tufts – so a few of us scaled the side of the building to a window that one of our cohorts had opened for us. I remember climbing up on some ivy and then plummeting to the ground. My finger was in a splint for two weeks. My buddy Billy lost a huge clump of hair on one of our attempts to gain free access to some event at Tufts.

I would have won a lot of gold medals if they gave them out for quitting. I have accomplished a lot in my life, but I also did a fair amount of quitting. I quit some perfectly good relationships, decent jobs, and sabotaged a few career opportunities. I had quitting down pat. At the least sign of conflict, difficulty or discomfort, I was off and running (and quitting) – my record is working a kiosk at Logan Airport called The Seafood Stop. I lasted three and a half hours at that gig – I did, however, have the pleasure of serving Mr. Jerry Stiller during my brief stint.

I will continue to enjoy watching the elite athletes compete for their medals in the Beijing Olympics.

For me, buying a Patriots T-shirt at Olympia Sports, cooking with Gold Medal Flour and subscribing to Sprint residential long distance service is the closest I will get. Thank God my kids are promising musicians and actors- but unless they come up with Olympic Face Booking, You Tubing, My Spacing, blowing off homework or sibling rivalry, my kids will follow in my athletically un-illustrious footsteps.

Please e-mail your comments to Jimmy at: jimmydel@rcn.com