A
couple of radio stations started playing holiday music right after
Halloween – a lot of people felt that we shouldn't start hearing
Christmas songs until after Thanksgiving. So why did these stations
start so early? Believe me it has nothing to do with wanting to please
the listeners…having worked at one of these stations, I can tell you
it's just for bragging rights and hopefully good ratings.

Somehow
the ratings are higher when holiday music is played. Each station tries
to beat the other one to the punch by starting first. Big radio
stations do not find joy in putting smiles on people's faces when they
hear Gene Autry singing "Rudolph." These stations want to be your
"official holiday music station" – so you will buy the stuff they are
hawking.

Hopefully, the Arbitron ratings will be kind to them so
they can charge even more for advertising – that's it in a nutshell –
and good luck to them. On two of these stations, you can hear several
versions of White Christmas and Jingle Bells – and of course Dominic
The Italian Christmas Donkey – I still enjoy the Chipmunk's song.

For
years I have been writing Christmas parodies with my counterpart Tom
Doyle from WROR. My songs have graced the airwaves of Kiss 108 and
Oldies 103 – this year you can hear some of my silliness on my cable
show "Seriously Somerville" on city cable channels 13 and 16.

Some
of my past favorites have been: "We Three Kids from Orient Heights",
"Waiting For a Win at Wonderland" and "I'm Fleeing in A White Bronco" –
sung in my best "OJ" voice back in 1995. That one was actually used by
Rick Dees at a private radio awards ceremony. A favorite from my Kiss
days was "Dingle-balls On My I-ROC" – sung to the tune of "Jingle Bell
Rock."

Here are a few excerpts of some that I came up with for
this season. This one is sung to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry
Gentlemen":

Go test ye Ball Square Restaurants in each the food is great!

Before you eat you're on the street in line 'cuz there's a wait!

They just can't seem to get along so someday you may see

Breakfast battles with flying eggs and home fries, right in the eyes

Hope that I'm around if they start throwing pies!

Here's one to the tune of "Little Town of Bethlehem":

Oh little lounge in Somerville, you see a few here and there

In Teele, Magoun and Ball Square too, and many in Davis Square

Oh how we miss Pat Connelly's, Frascatis and Pine Tree

Rail Side is gone, but going strong is Rosebud and Johnny D's

This is to the tune of "Little Drummer Boy":

The shopping will be fine when Ikea Comes

I'll take the Orange Line when Ikea comes

Down at Assembly Square Ikea comes

Assemble stuff from there when Ikea comes, when Ikea comes, when Ikea comes.

I'll go to Ikea and buy a bookshelf, assemble it myself

How
about "The 12 Days of Christmas Past"?On the 12th day of Christmas my
true love gave to me: 12 coats from Cummings, 11 ties from Gorins, 10
belts from Kresge's, 9 coats from Parke Snows, 8 cards from Woolworths,
7 bras from Bradlees, 6 toys from Osco's, 5 scarves from Grants, 4
shirts from Mickey Finn's, 3 hats from Sparks, 2 meals at Waldorfs and
some smokey socks from Bargain Center too!!

Here are some others that I am working on:

I'll be at Home Depot for Christmas

Deck the Guy who blocked my driveway

Frosty's at Sligo's

Redbones the Red Meat Restaurant

Rocking Around the Rotary

We Three Aldermen

(Flashing) Blue Christmas

Chickens Roasting at McKinnon's

I saw a parking Control officer ticketing Santa Claus

It Came down Rt. 16 From Revere

No
matter what your favorite holiday song is, you can bet that you will
hear it over and over again thanks to competing radio stations, TV
commercials and in stores. Of course you can do what I do and play your
own Holiday music – if you do download your own songs, don't forget
Elvis – and the best Christmas Song of all time: The Singing Dogs
barking their version of Jingle Bells!