On The Silly Side by Jimmy Del Ponte

(The opinions and views expressed in the commentaries of The Somerville News belong solely to the authors of those commentaries and do not reflect the views or opinions of The Somerville News, its staff or publishers.)

Halloween! Just the word brings back great memories. Who needed goody bags when all you had to do was grab a pillowcase and be on your way. Fun sized candy bars? No way, we had the big boys. They were full size and packed with sugar! How else would we be able to stay out for three hours and hit so many streets?

I had to hide my private stash of candy because my mother used to try to confiscate it and ration it out. Now I know why my dad used to call her “Sarge.” She had to inspect it first to make sure no weirdoes put anything harmful in the candy.

We loved getting Snickers, Chunkys, Three Musketeers, and Milky Ways, but hated anything healthy. The loose handful of popcorn was a rip-off as was the three or four pennies dropped in the bag. Fruit just shmooshed the good stuff.

Stores in Porter and Davis Squares had a wide array of Ben Cooper costumes. You remember them! A flimsy cloth costume that usually tied in the back with painted on belts, buttons, etc. The mask was the thin plastic kind with an elastic band that always hurt your neck when it snapped. Those costumes cost around $1.98 back then. Today, a set of four Beatles costumes from 1964 are selling on eBay for about $4,000. The worst thing was when mom made you wear your clunky winter coat either over or under your costume!

Years ago the popular costumes were Scooby Doo, Superman, Batman, and I Dream of Jeannie, among others. This year’s popular costumes include Charlie Sheen, those vampires from the Twilight movies, and Ghost Face from Scream. One year a girl and I went as Sonny and Cher. I didn’t need a wig back then. A friend of mine won a contest at a stereo store (Tweeter Etc., I think). He constructed a huge speaker that he got there and actually wore it – and it really worked! He plugged himself into a receiver, played music through himself, and won first prize.

My biggest pet peeve about Halloween is the increased amount of reckless idiots on the road. If you can’t slow the hell down and drive carefully on Halloween you should lose your license. One Halloween some jerk actually drove down my one way street – the wrong way! So there I was with a Chucky the Doll mask on standing in front of a carload of ignoramuses, blocking their way. They finally made a u-turn and drove off. Today, I don’t think I would do that.

Who are these people who drive too fast, drive while on cell phones, and generally disregard safety? Of course, we cannot throw eggs because it is wrong. Plus, there are creeps out there that will shoot you for tossing eggs. But if you must throw an egg or two, use brown eggs. Brown eggs are local eggs and local eggs are fresh!

I just recently started allowing my boys to go off trick-or-treating with their friends, even though roving bands of costumed youths can be, in a word, trouble. One year, when I was a teenager, my friend had this really stupid idea on Halloween. It was called “running over the roofs of cars.” He ran up a hood of a car, onto the roof, and down the trunk, and hopped over to the next car and did the same thing to all the parked cars in a row. What a nut. He got stuck when one of the cars was a convertible and, you guessed it, he fell through! I was glad I didn’t join in, and he was mad that I left him stuck there and ran home!

The city’s Halloween bash on Sunday was a blast. People love Halloween. Great work by Carlene Campbell organizing another successful SomerStreets event.

For the last few years I dressed as a pirate with a black curly wig, eye patch, three-cornered hat and sword. This year I may just wear the wig, a Pittsburgh Steelers shirt, and go as Troy Polamalu. He does those funny shampoo commercials (I bought the Steelers shirt when they played the Jets last year).

So please, for one day out of the year, try to concentrate on driving safely on Halloween night. Watch out for the kids that are out to have a little fun. Stop trying to drive while gabbing on the cell phone, or you just may end up in a cell.