By Andrew Firestone

PA’s Lounge became a battleground for glory Thursday, Feb. 24, as the third annual RPS, or rock, paper, scissors in layman’s terms, brought the rain for all involved. Thirty-two contestants entered, but only Jeremy Doyle  of Stoneham, had the skill to take home his $40 cash prize.

“I want my opponents to know the emphasis I place on my cockiness,” said Doyle, who actually told his first-round opponent what his hand would be.

Doyle had come close in past years, but ultimately had fallen to the reigning finalist, Owen “Flaming Baghead” Wartella of Somerville. Wartella was forced into a hard situation this year when he faced off against his wife, Sara “S.Dub” Wartella, beating her by cowardly blinding her with his flaming bag, which he wears on his head.

“No, there is no glee to this,” said Wartella. “Off the record: awesome!”

Other contestants included Kevin “Always Plays Scissors” Lin, who lost in the first round, later calling the game “really hard.” Lin made the mistake of leading off with rock, instead of scissors, which was then covered by paper from his opponent. “I only blame myself,” said a dejected Lin after his crushing defeat. “I think I should have followed my original strategy of always playing scissors.”

The tournament was hosted by Union Square Main Streets with their plucky Irish Emcee Jerry Green. Green insisted that he is actually a nice person, but is forced to antagonize contestants to ignite the crowd. “I forgive them their errors,” said Green on the often tepid process of duelers keeping in rhythm for the build-up, “but when I speak, I attack them and beat them down.”

When asked why he continues to host the vaunted tournament, he said “I think they’re starved for opportunities for talent. They don’t know anyone else who will do this. All I do is insult people, it’s my forte.”

Doyle  faced off against Davis “Magevis Sagevos Ragevous” Moore of Exeter, NH in the finals, who employed a tricky fast-beat maneuver, crooking his elbow to it’s maximum extent. “You know, I had him,” said Moore, who went the full three, of the two of three format. The final match, highlighting the “sport’s” epic lightning-fast play,   consisted of two stalemates before the final decisive round.

Moore was consoled with a $50 gift certificate to Flatbread Pizza.

For those who did not make it so far, including Somerville natives Zeke “Zeke” Ferrera and Scott “Shredder” Loring, the road home was hard and unforgiving. “Oh, it’s horrible, I’m so depressed,” said Loring. When asked what he would do now, he looked up from his beer bottle and said “I’m going to Disney World.”