When
trying to get somewhere in Somerville without directions, take a turn
at every major intersection. On Cape Cod, always go straight and look
for signs.

If a knife's edge reflects light, it's time to get
it sharpened. Unfortunately, Siraco's once the best blade sharpener
around, is no longer in Magoun Square.

You will recognize the obvious much sooner than professionals.

The quality of flavor in cheese is inversely proportional to the thickness of the slice.

The crossbar on a bicycle should just come to your crotch, standing flat-footed with your shoes off.

When
you are conversing with people who don't speak English, assume that
they understand about half as much as they look like they understand.

Don't enter a poker game unless you have fifty times the betting limit in your pocket.

The diameter of a tree trunk in inches is the radius of the root system in feet.

New arrivals to Somerville are, on average, politically inert for seven years.

In half the cases, an employee calling in sick is actually sick.

We tend to do to others what has been done to us.

To
estimate the number of calories that you consume each day, multiply
your weight by 15. To gain or lose weight, increase or decrease this
number by 20%.

Each additional 10,000 car trips per day on Somerville's roads increases our excess cardiopulmonary deaths by 1 per year.

A used tool in good condition should cost no more than half the price of a new one.

The number of seconds between lightning and thunder, divided by five, is the number of miles you are away from it.

Any
time a mechanic begins by telling you how lucky you are that you
brought your car in when you did, plan on spending at least $500.

If for some reason you need to wear a tuxedo more than once every year, it is cheaper to buy than to rent.

Somerville government costs $115,000 per year for every taxable acre of land.

A 3/4 front view makes the best photo for selling a car.

A ball hit to left field by a left-handed hitter will slice toward the left-field line, and vice versa.

The third restaurant that goes into a space is usually the one that succeeds.

During a job interview, don't spend more than 60 seconds answering any one question.

To blow a tree stump out of the ground, use one stick of dynamite for every four inches in stump diameter.

When
writing an ad, keep each sentence to twelve words or less. A billboard
should have not more than seven words and two things to look at.

Someone
speaking in passive voice is probably concealing something. Doubt
anyone who seems to be speaking with strong emotion, but whose
shoulders are relaxed.

On government multiple-choice exams, the longest answer is usually the correct one.

The most offensive people are also usually the most easily offended.

When the temperature at sunset is 50 degrees or less, there will probably be a frost.

A garment is probably well made if stripes and plaids are matched at the seams.

If something that is not human bites you, it is probably female.

If you can't see a car's rear tires at a stoplight, or if you can read its odometer, you're too close.

You can always find one good reason to do anything. Find two.

The speed that allows the most cars to use a road at once is 22 mph.

Ten people will raise the temperature of a medium sized room 1 degree per hour.