On The Silly Side by Jimmy Del Ponte

(The opinions and views expressed in the commentaries of The Somerville News belong solely to the authors of those commentaries and do not reflect the views or opinions of The Somerville News, its staff or publishers.)

A friend of mine came up with the idea of doing a spoof on the many “Real Housewives” shows on TV. I am working on that idea for my cable show, “Seriously Somerville.”  In the meantime I asked my friends to give me some good examples of typical Somerville housewives, old school version, of course.
Here are a few good ones.

-I remember getting yelled at for screaming at my brothers for being such pains. It was the same tone and pitch my mother would use to scream for us to come in for dinner, curfew or whatever. Now I too have put those practices to good use. I have been known on occasion to yell off my top porch for my kids to come in for dinner, curfew, etc.

– My mother took Green Cab to various Bingo halls in the city so often, that the dispatchers knew her voice and would say, “where you going tonight Lorraine? St. Polycarp’s?”
-I remember some boy’s were giving my sister a really hard time in front of the house. My loving Italian mother grabbed my Louisville slugger (Carl Yastrzemski model) and chased the trouble making bullies away.
-I learned the fine art of being a Real Somerville Housewife from my mother. One thing was  how to peek out the window, through the blinds, or around the shades, to see what that odd noise was coming from outside, without being seen. It’s not being nosy, it’s called the Somerville Neighborhood Watch! I have become very good at it, much to my husband’s chagrin!
-In the first grade I jumped off the porch into the snow and got stuck. My brother had taken the shovel to make some money. Mom had to dig me out of the snow with a dust pan. It took a very long time. She was mad because she had told me over and over not to jump off the porch into the snow. To this day she swears that she never found the lone boot I lost that day in the snow pile.
-I remember when my mom got mad at one of us, she would stand in the doorway and make us go by her so she could give us a little “love tap”. Sometimes she would toss a shoe at us. I so do miss her.
-I hosted a birthday party for 21 of my 6 year old son’s friends, at my house. For 4 hours they played with jacks and jump ropes, and basketballs and racecars in the living room. They were all hopped up on M&M’s, ice cream, Teeni drinks, and Green Incredible Hulk cake. There was head butting and pony tail pulling and general mayhem. Finally at 4:15 the last cherub had left with their goody bag. I slumped in a chair and watched my beaming child play with all his new toys. Now you know why people have parties at Chuck E Cheeses these days!

– Me and my friends hung on my steps so every Friday when my dad got home from work . It was like “Friday night at the fights.” You could hear Ma yelling because there was a few bucks missing from his pay because he would stop off at The Rosebud (bar) for a beer on the way home.
-My mother didn’t go for my dad’s reasoning at all. He once proclaimed after being banned from the barroom, “if I can’t go to the bar ,then I’m not going to work!” They met someplace in the middle!
-Today when kids do what they are supposed to do, they get a syrupy “good job!” When we did something that we were supposed to do, mom gave us the look that meant, “good thing” you did it!
-I had to run into McKinnon’s in Davis Square. I left the car parked, running out in front of the store with my mom in it. I told her I would be back in five minutes. As I am making my way down to the chicken section, I feel someone breathing down my back. The voice said in a thick Italian accent “Maria! You sure you wanna buy-a that chicken today?” I look up and it is my mom! I said, “what are you doing in here?  Did you shut the car off?” She says, “I no have the keys! I didn’t know that the car, she was on!” I had to run out and pray that the car was still there! Thankfully it was. Mothers….gotta love them.
-My mother was my biggest fan. She was always there to support me .She was at every one of my baseball games, and wasn’t afraid to yell at the umpire!
-I had moved to Florida in the 80’s and my mom actually ratted me out to the collection agency who was looking for me to make good on my college loan ! She was tired of the harassing phone calls. Thanks mom!
-One time I called my friend a bad name. She went home and told her mother. Her mother came out and yelled at me in front of all the other kids. So I started crying. I went home crying and my mother was so mad she went to my friend’s house and started yelling at her mother for making me cry. So here are the mother’s yelling and screaming at each other, while me and my friend (who I called the name) are off playing jump rope…Housewives (and mother’s) of Somerville protect their children. Me and my friend have been friends for over 46 years.
-My mom saved and saved and took my brother, sister and me to California to visit her sister and my cousins. It was everyone’s first plane ride. She was in the restroom when an announcement to “return to your seats because of turbulence” message was heard. She came frantically running out of the restroom, still buckling up yelling, “I want to be with my children, I want to be with my children!”
-My mother never told my dad about a minor police related incident which he would have freaked out about. She handled the punishment in her own way without bothering dad. Thank you mom!
There are so many great stories about the Somerville housewife of yesterday . They could dish out the discipline, and show compassion at the same time. They protected their families’ fiercely. This is the kind of unique character traits possessed by some real housewives of Somerville, Mass.