Life in the Ville by Jimmy Del Ponte

Originally published July 24, 2004.

No one’s name was safe from the teasing kids unleashed on each other back in the day. Almost everyone’s first or last name became a source of adolescent taunting. Even though it was meant as harmless teasing in my youth, name calling is a form of bullying and is simply not tolerated in our society. These stories are at least 30 years old which doesn’t excuse it, but thankfully we have grown!

They called me Jimmy the Pimmy. I still don’t know what a pimmy was but it sure used to tick me off. Then there was my family’s last name. The teasing came pretty easily. It was “Del Monte Beans,” or “Del Monte Fruit.”

In Boy Scouts we had a name for one kid that had nothing to do with his name. We called him Dirtbomb, and his brother was Dirtbomb Junior. We never taunted kids directly but it was still mean. We called a guy named Tim, T the G, for Tim the Goof. Another kid who spit when he talked became known as Bob “Slurp Drool.” Not proud of that but we were kids. Eventually we grew out of it and started harassing people on social media instead.

One of my particularly cruel nicknames was “Jimmy the mini- (insert derogatory slur for Italians that rhymes with skinny).” With the last name of Wood, “woodpecker” seemed appropriate. My pal Scott Leake … well, need I say more? They also called him “Sneaky Leaky.”

Knowlton Brown, who worked at the YMCA for years was known affectionately as “Brownie.” Jane was “Jungle Jane” and “Jane Jetson.” Phyllis was “Philadelphia Cream Cheese” and “Phyllis Diller.” Chris, Michelle and Andrew heard “Maoili ravioli,” but their dad Andy was known as “The Duke.” No one messed with The Duke.

As you can imagine, Teddy Bates had a few good nicknames as did Mike (Bananas ) Bonanno. Did you know Patty Pelican in the old days? I’m pretty sure her surname was not Pelican.

Everyone named Sullivan, Fitzgerald and O’Brien became “Sully” “Fitzie” and “O’B.” Those were automatic nicknames. Murphy’s were “Murph,” “Murph the Surf” and even, “Murph the Smurf.”

We sometimes assigned names for how we thought people looked also. I remember my dad went to school with a guy named “Stretch.” Shorty at Barbaby’s was an expert pool player. There was a very fair and decent police officer that we dubbed “Barney Fife.” Of course, no one ever said it to his face!

My friend Tony was known as “Ton.” And to this day, I don’t know why our friend Steve became known as “Harry.” I was talking to my friend Charlie, who we now call “Chucky,” and he never knew that Harry’s real name was Steve. Fast forward to “Harry the Hat” who also hung with us at Barnaby’s, along with “The Skipper.” I bet a lot of you Somerville readers know “Joe the Toe.” All I remember is that he lost a toe somehow, a long time ago, and thus, his nickname was created.

That reminds me of the mean names my brother and sister used to call me. Because one of my ears folds over on the top, they called me Dumbo. They got punished when they called me that. To this day It’s hard to keep my mask on. Even on TV, when his brother Wally couldn’t pronounce Theodore, it became Beaver. I guess that was better than Clarence Rutherford’s nickname, which was “Lumpy!”

I have a friend who we have been calling “Bones” for years and it’s not for the reason you think. When he was only 4-years old, he got hit in the head five times in one hockey game playing goalie. His brother later noted that after a haircut his head looked like a bone.

A couple of our friends’ nicknames were “Bolo,” “Ment” and “Bone Rack.” Don’t forget “Moose” Mason. If your name was Eddie, I’d bet the house that you were called Eddie Spaghetti. And a special shout out to my friend, Gailsy Wailsy.

Sister Margerlaine became Sister Margerine. Teachers were called “Mr. S” or “Miss B” or “Mr. Son of a B!” Some politicians have a lot of cruel nicknames none of which I will print! (Nut boy, do I have some great ones!)

My friend Pat, was Patrick Joseph, so he was known as “PJ.” He actually had a band called the “PJ Five.” There was “DJ ” Sullivan too. I think everyone had a friend named DJ. I had two friends named Richy Collins. They were known as “The other Richy Collins” and “the Richy Collins in the band.”

Some people, especially in show biz, were very protective of their last names and just used a letter such as my friends Johnny C, and Billy K.

Nicknames could be cruel when we were kids, but today, we can laugh about them. We must also teach our kids that name calling is bullying, hurtful and wrong.

I have a friend, that to this day still calls me “Del Panty.”